Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Who am I? Figuring out who I am .... again

The last 3 years of my life, I feel like I haven't stopped. 
  • I married the man of my dreams in October 2007
  • I had my first child in October 2008
  • Returned to full time work in November 2009
  • I had my second child in September 2010

And that is just the big things that have happened - not the day to day stuff like, birthday parties, trips to the zoo, the park, Seaworld, friends places, and plane rides interstate. The list goes on and on.

Its hard to put this in words so I am going to do the best that I can. 

I went from being me - I knew this me, I knew her very well. I was comfortable in me skin, confident I looked after me. 

I then became a wife. Not much changed aside from my name, though it did take me almost 9 months to finally get off my butt and change it. I was still me just had a different last name. 

I then became a Mummy. Everything changed. My marriage, my body and my life. Out of those three 2 have changed for the better.  My marriage is rock solid. My husband and I are closer then ever... we fell deeper in love after each birth of our darling daughters. We are a team, a bloody good team. 

My life has changed for the better. I feel like I was born to be a Mummy. I love it. I am not one of those Mummy's who whinges and complains. I chose this, I love this life of mine. 

Which brings me to my body. The one part of my life that hasn't changed for the better. Yes, I expected stretch marks a few extra kgs. But I didn't expect what I was left with. A body I didn't recognise and alot more extra kgs then expected :( I am embarrassed, I am ashamed I am unrecognisable. 

I think that this is a huge part of why since being a Mummy I don't feel like me anymore. I don't even feel like a new improved version of me. Yes things are different now soooo different but why don't I feel like me.... the old me? I don't interact with people the way that I used to. I was someone who could chat for hours on end with a group of friends but now I can sit there in a group of people and not even enter the conversation. Still and silent. I lost my confidence.  At times I feel like I don't even know how to be social anymore.  I feel so awkward and unsure of myself and what to say. I was someone who was so active and social catching up with friends all the time. Now, prefer to stay at home, I don't get judged or stared at there. 

I was once someone who was active and fit and now I am lazy and overweight. I was a very health conscious person and watched what I was feeding my body but now I just eat cause I need to not caring what it is.

Maybe the care I once had for me is now used up on my Husband and my girls? Have I given up on me? How do I even start to get back to feeling like the old me? Am I the only one that feels like this? Is this normal? If I lose the weight will this bring back the old me?

These are the questions that continue to circle around in my mind over and over. 

I have no answers to my questions, I don't know if anyone out there does. I guess putting all these feelings out there might help me remember the person I used to be. Help me be me again....

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Goodnight Kisses


Last night was the first night that I wasn't able to say good night to Charlotte before she went to bed. I was stuck at the stupid gym *sad face*. 

I have this thing where I don't want to miss kissing my girls good night when they go off to bed. I know some might think it's silly, but I always want them to go to bed, closing their gorgeous little eyes knowing that their Mummy loves them. 

When I got home and saw that she was in bed {I already knew she would of been, so I was preparing myself} I was a bit sad. Thankfully, I was able to get some cuddles off Bella cause she was still awake.

I quickly jumped in the shower so I would be able to spend some time with Bella before she went to bed. When in the shower I couldn't stop thinking about missing Charlotte's bed time and the good night kiss... I cried....

I found it so hard when I was in hospital having Charlotte when I couldn't be there to give Bella her good night kiss. I just cry thinking about it.

I know that as they get older they will be off at school camps, sleep overs etc. I know I wont cope. I know I will be the Mummy that insists their friends have sleep overs at our house just so I don't miss the goodnight kiss and school camps... well they just can't go. 

Do you also hate missing goodnight kiss time?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Family Photos

We had family photos taken back in January by the wonderfully talented Rachel Ritcher.  I haven't recieved all the photos yet but I wanted to share with you what she posted on her blog.

We are so happy with them. Rachel is so talented and knows how to capture our girls in a way that shows off their little personalities. 

I honestly didn't think this day would actually happen. We had to postpone the session so many times due to rain, floods, sickness. 

The day of the latest scheduled session was a beautiful day out side. I was rushing around all day making sure I had all the outfits sorted and ironed. Whilst getting ready it started to get a bit dark. We had a look outside and our beautiful Queensland Summer day had turned into a Summer storm and it was headed our way. 

I tried not to panic. We all still got ready. I texted Rachel to tell her what the weather was doing this side of town to see what she thought. We decided to keep pushing on, but maybe get there a little earlier.

So we were ready and packed and on our way. A huge sense of relief swept across me as we were all in the car on our way and it hadn't rained.... yet.

The location was close to where we lived as Charlotte isn't a fan of car trips, so we didn't have far to go. On our way there it started to rain heavy and alot of it. The tears welled up in my eyes. I turned to Adam and said, 'what should we do?' He knew how bad I wanted to session to happen. Little Charlotte was growing up fast and I wanted to get some shots of her before she got any older. 

Adam said, 'We will keep driving. I am sure it's clear over there where the water is'.  

As we parked our car safe in the 'dry' car park at the location. I received a text message from Rachel. The Jetty and the beach where we were going to have our photos taken was.... C L O S E D!! Arghhhhhh!!

I mentioned that there was another little Jetty just down the road so we all piled back into our cars and headed to the revised location. Rachel had a bit of a squiz and said that she was happy with it and that we could get the shots done there.

Great I thought. Finally, its happening. What more could stop us now. The rain clouds had passed. The sky was looking clearer. Everything was perfect!

Adam got Charlotte out of the car first as she was quite upset and over being in the car. He handed her to me and in that second I grabbed her she showered me with vomit! Yep Vomit, all over my only outfit. My nicely ironed, nicely co-ordinated outfit. 

The tears welled up again. I thought how on earth were we going to get the photos done now that I am covered in vomit *sad face*

I honestly just couldn't believe my luck! I said to Rachel, 'What should we  do now?' She said it will be ok as I was wiping the vomit off my clothes. 

But thankfully, as you can see, Rachel did a great job and captured some great shots.

I am one very happy, proud Mummy!

Monday, March 7, 2011

It's Gym Time


I love being a Mummy. I love it more then anything in the world. I love my girls. I love my Husband and I love my life. But... there is one thing that I don't like about my life. And... that is the baby weight I have been left with after having both my girls. 

I haven't really discussed my weight and the fact that I need to loose alot of weight to get to my pre baby weight, or better yet, a healthy weight. I think there is alot of people on my blog roll that are starting the same journey as me. I enjoy reading and following their journey and getting any hints and tips along the way. Seeing their progress is very inspiring.

Me, what's my story? 

Well, pre babies, I was a fit and healthy size 12. I used to frequent the gym 5 days a week {doing classes and cardio and weights} and sometimes on a Saturday if I was up early. I also had a personal trainer 1 day a week. I watched what I ate and drank and really cared and looked after myself. I was a self motivator and enjoyed exercising.

Post babies, well, I am a completely different person. I am far from a size 12. I don't do any regular exercise (I did start doing a boot camp training session which was once a fortnight) aside from chasing around my kids. I certainly don't watch what I eat. I eat what is fast and convenient and take away. Most days I try to eat 3 meals a day but some days this is hard. I snack on anything that is in the cupboard. Muesli bars, Tiny teddies, Cheese and biscuits.   Some days I just couldn't be bothered....tired and lazy!

Unfortunately, I am one of those girls who piles on the weight when pregnant. Mainly due to the sickness and craving all the naughty foods. My major weakness was Chocolate with both pregnancies. And, the cravings only came on at the later stages of the pregnancies so thats when all the weight piled on. 

So, I am taking steps to change my life. I need to start caring about me and start looking after myself as good as I do my girls and Husband. Stop putting myself last all the time. I need to be a little bit selfish and get some me time. Even if that is when I am running on the treadmill.

My first step was to change my eating habits. So, I have been on a healthy eating plan for 2 weeks and have lost 2kgs thus far (yayee me). 

Step 2 is joining up at my old gym. I headed there tonight and whilst there I put in some time on the treadmill and did a class also.

I felt so guilty leaving Adam during a peak time in this house with dinner and bath time. To help and ease my mummy guilt I had did what I could to ensure it was an easy take over. I had vegies cut up ready to go in the fridge for dinner as well as other parts of dinner organised. I made up Dinners for Charlotte for 3 days. I layed out PJ's etc etc...

When Adam came home and it was time for me to go. I was dressed and my bag was packed ready to go. Charlotte was having her afternoon nap so I only had to say good bye to Bella. I hate saying good bye. It's always an emotional thing for me especially when I am leaving to do me stuff. It is never easy. As I popped in the car I look at the front door and there is my darling husband and gorgeous daughter blowing me kisses *tears*. I drove off teary but a little proud that I was making a positive change in my life.

Walking back into that gym was weird. It was so familiar nothing had really changed and I felt like I did when I first joined up. I felt like I had never left! I felt pumped, energised I was ready to exercise.

It was very hard seeing my reflection in the mirror. It certainly has changed alot since last time I was in that gym. It was also hard doing the class and seeing myself struggle. I used to be one of the people down the front bouncing around. Now I am hiding at the back and struggling to complete the entire class, watching the clock and praying that the hour of torture would fly by.

But, a big part of changing my life is facing the real me. I think that this is exactly what I needed to see. I now know that I need to be doing this. I need to change my life.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Dear Blog

I am so sorry that I have neglected you. I have been caught up in the Nappy hunt that is taking place and I. AM. ADDICTED. 

As you know blog, I don't get alot of free time these days as my two gorgeous girls keep me busy. So, the little free time I do have I have been enjoying the hunt. 

I hope you understand blog. You see, there are sites where the clues are hard very hard, and they get my mind boggling for hours at night. They drive me crazy insane until I get it right, until I find the 'You found it button'. It gets me squealing like a crazy school girl everytime I find one.

I promise I will return but for now... I am out hunting wabbits  icons! Oh and bargains!!

Yours sincerely


Are you also doing the hunt? Have you found many icons?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Two years old...

At times, I forget that Bella is only 2. She isn't like any other 2 year old I know. She is so smart and such a delight to hang out with. I love spending my days with her, dancing, singing, laughing, giggling, reading stories and just chatting the days away. She is my best friend. And, if I am lucky and I'm in the good books, she will tell you I am her best friend too!

She speaks so well up to 8 to 10 words per sentence

She can say her ABC's

She can recognise most letters of the alphabet

She can count to 15 ~ working on 20 but gets a few fixed up

She can jump with 2 feet off the floor

She can count backwards from 5

She can tell you which is left and which is right

She can tell you her full name

She can tell you which suburb she lives in

She is starting to learn how to write her name

She is learning how to tell the time

She knows the days of the week

She can sing numerous songs 

She knows her colours

She knows her Shapes

She knows big and small, far and near etc etc

She knows feelings, happy or sad, angry or excited

She knows the difference between girls and boys

She takes direction well

She knows that when she takes her shoes off she puts them away in her room

She helps tidy her room

She loves crafts .... all sorts

She loves to help me in the kitchen 

She is currently toilet training and having alot of success

She knows when it's time for a nap or bed and she takes herself off

She is a huge help with Charlotte. A great big sister. She loves helping me make Charlotte's food, she keeps Charlotte entertained by dancing, singing songs. She loves to make her sister laugh.

She is so mature and so grown up. She loves to learn and she has the most amazing memory. If I tell her we are doing something on the weekend, when the weekend comes she tells me what we are doing. You can not promise her anything and think that she wont remember, cause she will. She always amazes me with her memory. If I tell her, tomorrow we will go for a walk to the park. When she wakes up in the morning the first thing she will tell me is that we are going for a walk to the park.

All this and she is only TWO! She is a remarkable little girl and I am luck that she is mine!

Welcome Autumn...

To me Autumn is...

The sound of crunchy leaves when you walk through them

Cooler afternoons

Cosy nights

Warm Cuppa's in the morning

Beautiful colours in the gardens

Lots of Birthday Celebrations

Picnics in the park

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