Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Who am I? Figuring out who I am .... again

The last 3 years of my life, I feel like I haven't stopped. 
  • I married the man of my dreams in October 2007
  • I had my first child in October 2008
  • Returned to full time work in November 2009
  • I had my second child in September 2010

And that is just the big things that have happened - not the day to day stuff like, birthday parties, trips to the zoo, the park, Seaworld, friends places, and plane rides interstate. The list goes on and on.

Its hard to put this in words so I am going to do the best that I can. 

I went from being me - I knew this me, I knew her very well. I was comfortable in me skin, confident I looked after me. 

I then became a wife. Not much changed aside from my name, though it did take me almost 9 months to finally get off my butt and change it. I was still me just had a different last name. 

I then became a Mummy. Everything changed. My marriage, my body and my life. Out of those three 2 have changed for the better.  My marriage is rock solid. My husband and I are closer then ever... we fell deeper in love after each birth of our darling daughters. We are a team, a bloody good team. 

My life has changed for the better. I feel like I was born to be a Mummy. I love it. I am not one of those Mummy's who whinges and complains. I chose this, I love this life of mine. 

Which brings me to my body. The one part of my life that hasn't changed for the better. Yes, I expected stretch marks a few extra kgs. But I didn't expect what I was left with. A body I didn't recognise and alot more extra kgs then expected :( I am embarrassed, I am ashamed I am unrecognisable. 

I think that this is a huge part of why since being a Mummy I don't feel like me anymore. I don't even feel like a new improved version of me. Yes things are different now soooo different but why don't I feel like me.... the old me? I don't interact with people the way that I used to. I was someone who could chat for hours on end with a group of friends but now I can sit there in a group of people and not even enter the conversation. Still and silent. I lost my confidence.  At times I feel like I don't even know how to be social anymore.  I feel so awkward and unsure of myself and what to say. I was someone who was so active and social catching up with friends all the time. Now, prefer to stay at home, I don't get judged or stared at there. 

I was once someone who was active and fit and now I am lazy and overweight. I was a very health conscious person and watched what I was feeding my body but now I just eat cause I need to not caring what it is.

Maybe the care I once had for me is now used up on my Husband and my girls? Have I given up on me? How do I even start to get back to feeling like the old me? Am I the only one that feels like this? Is this normal? If I lose the weight will this bring back the old me?

These are the questions that continue to circle around in my mind over and over. 

I have no answers to my questions, I don't know if anyone out there does. I guess putting all these feelings out there might help me remember the person I used to be. Help me be me again....


Alicia (The Red Deer) said...

To be honest I felt exactly the same as you - until my husband and I broke up. That has kind of forced me to find myself again and I am really starting to get there! I think if losing weight will bring back your confidence then that is a step in the right direction to find yourself again.

We can do it together! I still need to lose 10.1 kilograms - I can't wait to fit into my old jeans :D

Leesa said...

Alicia I am so glad that it's not just me... well I am not glad... you know what I mean.

Its tough trying to figure out the new me but I am getting there. I am on my way to losing 10kgs and I am starting to feel good about myself.

I still have a long way to go at trying to figure me out but I think its just going to be baby steps.... Losing weight is the first of many!

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