Who am I? Figuring out who I am .... again

The last 3 years of my life, I feel like I haven't stopped. 

• I married the man of my dreams in October 2007

• I had my first child in October 2008

• Returned to full time work in November 2009

• I had my second child in September 2010

And that is just the big things that have happened - not the day to day stuff like, birthday parties, trips to the zoo, the park, Seaworld, friends places, and plane rides interstate. The list goes on and on.

Its hard to put this in words so I am going to do the best that I can. 


I went from being me - I knew this me, I knew her very well. I was comfortable in me skin, confident I looked after me. 


I then became a wife. Not much changed aside from my name, though it did take me almost 9 months to finally get off my butt and change it. I was still me just had a different last name. 

I then became a Mummy. Everything changed. My marriage, my body and my life. Out of those three 2 have changed for the better.  My marriage is rock solid. My husband and I are closer then ever... we fell deeper in love after each birth of our darling daughters. We are a team, a bloody good team. 


My life has changed for the better. I feel like I was born to be a Mummy. I love it. I am not one of those Mummy's who whinges and complains. I chose this, I love this life of mine. 

Which brings me to my body. The one part of my life that hasn't changed for the better. Yes, I expected stretch marks a few extra kgs. But I didn't expect what I was left with. A body I didn't recognise and alot more extra kgs then expected :( I am embarrassed, I am ashamed I am unrecognisable. 


I think that this is a huge part of why since being a Mummy I don't feel like me anymore. I don't even feel like a new improved version of me. Yes things are different now soooo different but why don't I feel like me.... the old me? I don't interact with people the way that I used to. I was someone who could chat for hours on end with a group of friends but now I can sit there in a group of people and not even enter the conversation. Still and silent. I lost my confidence.  At times I feel like I don't even know how to be social anymore.  I feel so awkward and unsure of myself and what to say. I was someone who was so active and social catching up with friends all the time. Now, prefer to stay at home, I don't get judged or stared at there. 


I was once someone who was active and fit and now I am lazy and overweight. I was a very health conscious person and watched what I was feeding my body but now I just eat cause I need to not caring what it is.


Maybe the care I once had for me is now used up on my Husband and my girls? Have I given up on me? How do I even start to get back to feeling like the old me? Am I the only one that feels like this? Is this normal? If I lose the weight will this bring back the old me?


These are the questions that continue to circle around in my mind over and over. 


I have no answers to my questions, I don't know if anyone out there does. I guess putting all these feelings out there might help me remember the person I used to be. Help me be me again....

It's Gym Time

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I love being a Mummy. I love it more then anything in the world. I love my girls. I love my Husband and I love my life. But... there is one thing that I don't like about my life. And... that is the baby weight I have been left with after having both my girls. 


I haven't really discussed my weight and the fact that I need to loose alot of weight to get to my pre baby weight, or better yet, a healthy weight. I think there is alot of people on my blog roll that are starting the same journey as me. I enjoy reading and following their journey and getting any hints and tips along the way. Seeing their progress is very inspiring.


Me, what's my story? 


Well, pre babies, I was a fit and healthy size 12. I used to frequent the gym 5 days a week {doing classes and cardio and weights} and sometimes on a Saturday if I was up early. I also had a personal trainer 1 day a week. I watched what I ate and drank and really cared and looked after myself. I was a self motivator and enjoyed exercising.


Post babies, well, I am a completely different person. I am far from a size 12. I don't do any regular exercise (I did start doing a boot camp training session which was once a fortnight) aside from chasing around my kids. I certainly don't watch what I eat. I eat what is fast and convenient and take away. Most days I try to eat 3 meals a day but some days this is hard. I snack on anything that is in the cupboard. Muesli bars, Tiny teddies, Cheese and biscuits.   Some days I just couldn't be bothered....tired and lazy!


Unfortunately, I am one of those girls who piles on the weight when pregnant. Mainly due to the sickness and craving all the naughty foods. My major weakness was Chocolate with both pregnancies. And, the cravings only came on at the later stages of the pregnancies so thats when all the weight piled on. 


So, I am taking steps to change my life. I need to start caring about me and start looking after myself as good as I do my girls and Husband. Stop putting myself last all the time. I need to be a little bit selfish and get some me time. Even if that is when I am running on the treadmill.


My first step was to change my eating habits. So, I have been on a healthy eating plan for 2 weeks and have lost 2kgs thus far (yayee me). 


Step 2 is joining up at my old gym. I headed there tonight and whilst there I put in some time on the treadmill and did a class also.


I felt so guilty leaving Adam during a peak time in this house with dinner and bath time. To help and ease my mummy guilt I had did what I could to ensure it was an easy take over. I had vegies cut up ready to go in the fridge for dinner as well as other parts of dinner organised. I made up Dinners for Charlotte for 3 days. I layed out PJ's etc etc...


When Adam came home and it was time for me to go. I was dressed and my bag was packed ready to go. Charlotte was having her afternoon nap so I only had to say good bye to Bella. I hate saying good bye. It's always an emotional thing for me especially when I am leaving to do me stuff. It is never easy. As I popped in the car I look at the front door and there is my darling husband and gorgeous daughter blowing me kisses *tears*. I drove off teary but a little proud that I was making a positive change in my life.


Walking back into that gym was weird. It was so familiar nothing had really changed and I felt like I did when I first joined up. I felt like I had never left! I felt pumped, energised I was ready to exercise.


It was very hard seeing my reflection in the mirror. It certainly has changed alot since last time I was in that gym. It was also hard doing the class and seeing myself struggle. I used to be one of the people down the front bouncing around. Now I am hiding at the back and struggling to complete the entire class, watching the clock and praying that the hour of torture would fly by.


But, a big part of changing my life is facing the real me. I think that this is exactly what I needed to see. I now know that I need to be doing this. I need to change my life.

Feelin the burn

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"There's no easy way out. If there were, I would have bought it. 

And believe me, 

it would be one of my favourite things!"

~ Oprah Winfrey ~

Well, the weekend has been and gone. I love my weekends. I love spending time as a family, the 4 of us just hanging out. Two days, truly isn't enough. 


This weekend I joined up an exercise group. After having both my girls I have been left with alot of baby weight that I am wanting to loose. I am not a regular exerciser post pregnancies, mainly due to my body not being like it used to be. Its much harder to run with all this weight, its much harder to do sit ups, push ups etc etc These days, there is also alot of other excuses that I use. The girls need me, I had a rough day, I need to finish cooking dinner, you know what it's like.


On Saturday morning, I rolled outta bed, got dressed and fed Charlotte. I really, hadn't put alot of thought in to what was going to happen and how much this was gunna hurt. I think I actually didn't want to think about it to be honest!


I am happy to say that even though it felt like the longest hour of my life, I got through it. It was hard, boy was it hard. I survived and better still I was able to drive myself home! That was a bonus. Unlike my pre baby days, when I did PT and went to the gym 5 days a week, it would take over night for my body to start to feel the ache. Ooh not now! It only took an hour or two and an afternoon of me shopping, I was in pain. My buttocks were burning with every step. When Sunday morning arrived I could hardly move. As much as I was sore and how much it was annoying as I had alot to get done on Sunday, I was soooo loving feelin the burn!


This group session is only once a fortnight unfortunately. I wish it was once a week. At least then I know I will be getting at least one good work out a week. I think I will take nice long brisk walk on the alternating Saturday morning. 


I think the main thing out of all of this, is that I hope to start feeling a bit more motivated to get moving and start exercising regularly. I need to start caring about me and doing what I need to do to start being healthy and fit again.


It's going to be a long and slow journey.... one step at a time.